beer

What’s the Official Beer of the Lakers?

 

Various horrible companies vie for the title of official beer of the NBA, the L.A. Lakers, the United States…whatever. My intention in this article is to properly analyze the Lakers and Los Angeles to determine the perfect beer to represent the team, it’s fans, and the novocaine necessary to watch them.

The nominees:

1. Budweiser- It’s the official beer of everything. In my entire life I’ve never met a person that has told me Budweiser is their favorite beer. Bud heavy will get you drunk, but so will every other beer on the market. Bud is the McDonald’s of the beer world, but because of its universality it doesn’t seem to define the Lakers, much less anything.

2. Tecate- This feels like a soccer beer. Tecate is Mexican sure, and also cheap, but does that really represent the Lakers? The tickets to the game will kill your wallet, so maybe you need to skimp on the beer, but Tecate is a canned low class beer. Jack Nicholson would never drink Tecate.
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You Might Be a Celtics Fan

 

-If you think the movie “The Town” was watchable, you might be a Celtics fan

-If you’re mom had to tell you when you were 11 that you we’re an aborted fetus that lived, you might be a Celtics fan

-If didn’t graduate from high school and you’re the most educated person in your family, you might be a Celtics fan

-If you actually believe President Obama shook Rajon Rondo’s shooting confidence, you might be a Celtics fan
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So Delonte West Applied For Job at Home Depot

 

I know this has nothing to do with LA sports but this shit is too good to pass up.

So the Huffington Post is reporting that Bipolar Celtic Delonte West has submitted an employment application to Home Depot. Which is one more application that I've put in within the last 3 months so he's more desperate than I am. Even though Delonte is known for being a few clowns short of a circus, I listen to every word he says because I just don't want to get punched in the face. But this seems like a really bad joke we thought of saying but realized it would be too easy and of course its not, it really happened. This lockout is literally comedy gold for us but if I had to choose for an NBA season, you know I need my Laker fix.
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Foul Ball Etiquette

Recently the internet was all a twitter with the story of a Dodgers Stadium employee that confiscated a foul ball from the hands of a small devastated boy. It was later revealed that the usher that ran off with the ball was making an attempt at old man humor and that the ball was soon returned to the boy. The story, although boring and bland, ends happily but it raises the question, “what is the proper etiquette when catching a foul ball?”

1. Don’t bring your glove to the game
-It’s embarrassing for a grown man to bring his little league glove to a major league baseball game. If a line drive is hit your way; get out of the way. If it’s a high pop fly, you’re not going to need a damn glove.

2. Be aware of your surroundings
-I want to catch a foul ball as bad as you do, but it’s going to be pretty awful if you elbow your girlfriend in the face, kid to preteens, and crush a grandmother just so you can grab a ball that came off the bat of Miguel Cairo.
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Why Staples Center Isn’t The Loudest Arena

 

It's always been my own personal pet peeve of mine: Why isn't Staples Center as loud as some of the other NBA arenas? When I think of the loudest arenas I think of Oklahoma City, Denver, Portland, I mean the list can go on and on. Those fans go crazy while yelling their asses off in support of their team but why doesn't Staples Center come to mind?

Because its not. Not even close. If you haven't noticed during Laker games, the floor level is filled with actors, musicians, doctors, lawyers, business owners, executives and last time I checked the Lakers winning isn't their number one priority (aside from Jack Nicholson). Thats ours

The die hard fans that only go to a game once a year because of how costly it can be. The ones that have LAKERS tattooed on our bodies because of how passionate we are. When you hear someone yelling, cussing or screaming at the top of their lungs thats a die hard your hearing. Not a lot of die hards fill the floor up at Staples Center. As a matter of fact, this chart was released last season that has a break down of who sits where:
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The LLWS is not a good idea

 


Imagine a ten-year-old boy with a baseball bat and a pocket full of dreams. Now imagine you’re not a pedophile. ESPN has gone out of their way for years to sell us on the Americana and the “March of the Penguins” heart warmth of the Little League World Series. Let me fully disclose that I’m a bitter hater because as a youth I played for a little league team that was not eligible for the LLWS. Howevah! Is it a good idea (or good TV.) to put fucking preteen shortstops on primetime television slots?

NO. IT’S NOT.

ESPN likes to play up that these kids play for the love of the game, but in reality they are coach’s sons that have been in baseball concentration camps since they were 3. Kids are exploited and burnt out in tennis, golf, and soccer. The addition of baseball dads (read: stage mothers) is nothing new in our celebrity driven society. These kids have been told by the time they’re 5 that they’re gonna play for the Cardinals in the same way Indians are told they’ll run IBM.

Don’t get me wrong I think that kids should play baseball because it’s one of the few times they might have fun before reality kicks them in the dick from the ages 16 to death. But I also think you’re set up for a tragic life if you peak as a human being when you’re 9 years old. For every kid that hits a walk off homerun to win the LLWS, there has to be some kid who gave that homerun up. Today that kid either runs a Wall Street hedge fund, or he killed himself because he never got over that one horrible day. If you don’t believe me, watch “The Replacements” with Keanu.
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Top 5 People That Should Buy The Dodgers

Rumors are flying about potential buyers for the Los Angeles Dodgers like Mark Cuban & Oscar De La Hoya. Of course no official word has been set yet because Frank McShithead still currently kinda owns them. But the question is, Who would be the better owner? Mark Cuban has a track record with the Dallas Mavericks and Oscar De La Hoya has a track record of dressing up in women's clothing and telling everyone that it was photoshopped but thats a different story.

Here at FEAR LA we feel that they're not the only potential owners that can turnaround this ball club but we feel theres about 5 other (we would say 10 but we can only come up with 5) future owners that can bring another World Series to Los Angeles!

NEXT:THE MOST ENTERTAINING OWNER EVER

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Brian Champlin: The Time I Heard Vin Scully Use the F-word

 

As we were hanging out at the LakersNation.com booth this past weekend at the Nike 3on3 Basketball Tournament, Brian Champlin from Mantuitive.com told me a story about hearing Vin Scully saying "Fuck" over the air. I loved it so much, I had to repost it here:

It was the summer of 2002. I had just finished college but was still slumming it in Isla Vista while working a day job at a law office in downtown Santa Barbara. We lived across the street from the beach. We still threw keggers on the weekend, still cat called girls from our balcony and still imbibed ridiculous amounts of alcohol not because it was prudent, but because we could. I had my own room. Life was good.

On weekdays I'd often come home ready to cut loose and relax. Sometimes this involved drinking copious amounts of booze, sometimes it meant just sitting back and enjoying a ball game. It was in the latter case where the following scenario played out:

We were watching a Dodger home game. A night game, as I recall. My friend S-man and I were on the lower tier of our house's stadium seating setup, eating dinner, minding our own business, unaware that fate was about to reach out and shake us. Only the main TV was on.

(Footnote: We had two TV's so that during programming conflicts between sports and entertainment we could settle disputes. Example: Everyone who we lived with enjoyed Monday Football but some were also some avid fans of Boston Public. Solution? MNF plays on mute while BP plays on in stereo. BP ends just as the final 2 minutes of MNF are finishing so it kind of worked out. Oh, to live in a world before TiVo)
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The Worst Laker Game I Ever Watched

 

On a mild spring afternoon earlier this year I wandered into a quaint ramen noodle joint in Little Tokyo to watch game 3 of the Western Conference Semi-finals with our very own Mark Gonzales. Traffic had been the typical nightmare and I walked in only a moment before the opening tip. I was surprised to see a small 13-inch television situated above the greasy noodle bar.

My heart sank, but at least I was going to get to watch the game with my ravenous Lakerfan buddy. I searched the 5-seat restaurant, but Mark was nowhere to be found. Mark responded apologetically to my text inquiries with his usual, “my cunt girlfriend blah blah blah”. So I found a seat at the roach infested bar and ordered a beer.

The Lakers didn’t exactly roar out of the gate, going down by an immediate 10 in the first quarter, but then it slowly dawned on me; where the fuck was my beer? I sat for an ENTIRE quarter and this guy didn’t bring me a beer. I reminded him of my lust for alcohol and he insisted that it was coming. He went into the back and in 2 or 3 minutes, he returned with a pale yellow liquid in a pilsner glass.
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Basketball Movies That Suck: Celtic Pride

 

So Netflix has been fucking with me for the past 6 months because somehow Celtic Pride ended up in my instant queue. I don't remembering adding it, so I must have hated myself while drunk when I did it. If you don't remember the movie, I'll refresh your memory for you.

Its a shitty movie written by Colin Quinn & Judd Apatow about 2 Boston Celtic fans (Daniel Stern & Dan Akroyd) kidnapping a basketball player (Damon Waynes) from the Utah Jazz during an NBA Finals. If you remember now, you remember hearing about it but never watched it because it didn't even break even at the box office.

I'm sure it smashed box office records at the Boston Cinema but around the country nobody gave a shit. Why did I watch it? Know thy enemy, thats why. I shit purple & piss gold and I would love to know how the enemy really is and let me tell you, my hatred grew a lot more for the Celtics and their fans after watching this. I was able to find a short montage of the movie on youtube that pretty much sums it all up.
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