My Favorite Female Athletes (I do NOT want to have sex with)

Kim Clijsters- It’s gotta be hard to be an ugly tennis chick, because there’s a ton of talent out there. Poor old Kim has been an incredible player during her career, but unfortunately she came after the ugly years of tennis. During the run of Billie Jean King, Martina, and Lindsay Davenport, ugly chicks were all the rage, and Kim would’ve fit right in. Nowadays, it’s just smoking hot 17 year olds, and Kim is the dog-faced boy.


Shannon Boxx- Soccer chicks tend to be a mixed bag of attractiveness. Shannon may have a great body, but I do not know because I cannot take my eyes off of her face. What’s up with her face? Was she in a fire? Did someone spill acid on her? Is she half black guy and half ginger? The makers of ProActive would close up shop if they saw this chick’s complexion. Her blotchiness defies all logic and I personally hold her face responsible for the women’s failure against Japan.

Venus Williams- I LOVE Venus Williams. I saw her at Hollywood Park just last month. I bet on her to show; she paid $2.80. Yes, I’m literally saying she’s a horse. Comparing black people to animals is usually racist, but in this case it has nothing to do with her skin tone…this woman is a HORSE! I’m letting her sister off the hook because another writer of this site has some sort of Serena fetish, but sorry Venus, you’re ugly. So, horses eat hay, and goats like to play, goodbye to our farm friends.

Diana Taurasi- I could’ve just listed the entire WNBA but that would be unfair (and not nearly as fun). I picked one of their “stars” because I don’t want to pick on some poor man/woman that’s the 12th player on the bench for Tulsa. Diana has that mildly ethnic face, with a prominent beak, which is accentuated by pulling her face back with the tightest ponytail in history. She is like a perfect stew of natural ugly, seasoned nicely with “make me uglier” fashion sense. Most players in the WNBA look like trannies. Diana looks like the ugly girl in your high school. She’s a REAL woman…a fuck ugly one.

Tonya Harding- It’s a bit unfair to pick on this sideshow act, but she DID become a professional athlete in 2 different sports. As much as we all loved to hate poor little white trash, redneck, figure skating Tonya; we now relish the opportunity to laugh at Boxing Ms. Harding. It’s an impressive thing to see a sweet little ugly hillbilly go from petite loser to giant gorilla brain damaged loser. Looking at Ms. Harding is like watching evolution in reverse. I don’t want her to get hit in the face anymore, I genuinely want to see what rage nature is going to take out on her looks. She’s like modern art; she’s so ugly she belongs in a museum. I love Tonya Harding, but don’t let her touch me…she’s gross.