Although he is not Phil Jackson, this is a smart move for the Lakers organization because it gives us a chance to use Steve Nash and Dwight Howard in the best way possible. Scoring a thousand points a night while Dwight and Metta World Peace swat balls and scare the opposing team away from making a shot.

This shocking announcement has most of the Lakers Nation shaking their head (or if you're a 12 year old girl "SMH") and tweeting in denial because the Zen Master will not be returning after creating such high hopes and hashtags. There was even rumors stating that it was a 95% chance he was resigning but it was ultimately the Lakers front office that said "F**k you, I wont do what ya tell me!" while holding their balls.

According to some reports, Phil Jackson's list of demands was out of the ordinary and have even said "he was asking for the moon" which as a long time Laker fan, isn't surprising. For someone that is considered a basketball genius, its no surprise that he's an recreational drug user and frequently goes on Galaxy Quests but in reality he's just really high and tripping balls while watching the movie Galaxy Quest. So he might say some weird shit here and there.

If your list of demands are travel restrictions, an owner's stake in the company, Jim Buss's job and 10 Million a year, you might come off kinda dickish, don't ya think? But if you're Phil "11 Championships - 10 on the hand, 1 on the cock" Jackson you can ask for anything you want and your damn right you have a right to demand it. There's a reason why everyone calls you "the greatest basketball coach ever" without sounding condescending.

If I was Phil Jackson, I would have asked for a lot more. So here is our Top 5 Demands Phil Jackson Should Have Made:

5) Rename Staples Center: "Phil Jackon's Spirit World"
As an avid user of psychedelic drugs, I can say with loads of confidence and nasuea that its fun as hell. Not only do you see things you don't see unless you haven't slept in 4 days but it makes even the worst comedy film ever feel like your watching Airplane!. If Phil demanded this then he better demand that they replace that Lakers video package with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxzWk1IfS6c

4) Cross The Streams to Destroy Zuul aka Kris Jenner
"There is no Kardashian, only Zuul"

3) Demand there be a statue of a young Jerry Buss in his prime

2) Trade Pau Gasol for the Witch King from The Lord of The Rings
Because this guy isnt soft.

1) Have Fletch start at the 5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7AUpGXLDdk

Top 5 Demands Phil Jackson Should Have Made is a post from:

After watching stupid people doing stupid things on Youtube continuously, I finally took a break and started watching some Kobe highlight videos. As I began to search for the best ones that I can find, I came across a couple that definitely caught my eye.

Both of these videos come from Youtube-Username KentHackett and the only way this can be somewhat excuseable is that hes 12 years old and has an alcoholic father.. But then again, he's probably never met his father. Anyway, roll the shitty attempt at Kobe Bryant hating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGdQ5umoTfQ

and then he followed up with this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loHHHFWRcUs

So you see folks, if you're going to try and attempt to be funny or even try to attack someone with a video. At least do it right and learn how to be funny. This only looks like a sorry attempt that doesnt go anywhere. If you're not a comedian, you're an entertainer. If you're an entertainer, then your first name is probably Cedric.

The Best Worst Kobe Bryant Hecklers Ever – Vol. 1 is a post from:

 Over the weekend it was reported by Yahoo! Basketball Reporter Adrian Wojnarowski that the Oklahoma City Thunder traded the current Sixth Man of The Year James "Fear The Beard" Harden to the Houston Rockets for Kevin Martin (I thought it said Kenyon Martin at first, and that would be hilarious if it was), Rookie Jeremy Lamb and some other draft picks that I'm too drunk to remember. Not only is this OKC's way of shooting themselves in their crusty foot but this has to be THEE move that will not only benefit the Lakers but the remaining years of Kobe Bryant being employed by the NBA.

If you go back and watch the 2011-2012 NBA Playoffs, Harden was one of the reasons why the Thunder made it to the Finals. A piece of that puzzle is now missing and gone. This improves our chances greatly and I get a hard on thinking about it because this will help us clinch the Western Conference. Dont get me wrong; the Thunder isn't going to suck because of this. They just wont be as good as they were last year and the year before. But lets not forget whats the real important part in all of this: all of those OKC James Harden fans are PISSED.

Not only is their hero with a beardo gone but they get to look back at these pictures of them dressed as the guy that helped bring down the OKC Thunder and helped them move back to Seattle. In no particualr order; help me remind the world that these people should feel pretty stupid right about... *wait for it* ... now.

This guy pissed me off and ruined my night as he rooted for the Thunder as they fisted our tiny bleached asshole.. Who's the asshole now?

Fuck this cat and fuck Adam Samberg for inspiring the owner of this cat to use his cat in this photo. Fuck all three of them.

"Hey you know would be hysterical, if we all wore beards to the basketball game! Tell Stacey and Selma to shave Grandpa's ball sack so we have enough beards for all 6 of us!" F, all of you.

Harden your arteries you beast.

FEAR THE LASERTATTOOREMOVALBILL!

They're from Oklahoma.. You dont want to know where, who or how they were able to get actual human hair.

Halloween costume or picture of what the kid looks like when Harden was on an episode of Maury?

Fear the Beard his WIFE BEATER says.

Shaq thinks this is funny because you people keep laughing. This is your fault.

Oh just eat all the dicks, already...

James Harden & Beard Traded To Houston Rockets. Laker Fans Point and Laugh Hysterically. is a post from:

To sum it all up, a Lakers writer posted an "anti-Kobe" post on a Lakers fan website. Now to a person like me, its completely reasonable as the content of the post related perfectly to the theme of the website and thats the Los Angeles Lakers. But I'm a reasonable person and it took most of my life to accept opinions and understanding from complete strangers and situations. Not a lot of people feel that way or have the same thought process.

When I'm not drinking and/or/when living vicariously through the Lakers, during the darkened evenings I get up on a stage and repeat words, phrases, stories and try my hardest to make it as funny as I possibly can (I've been performing stand-up comedy for almost 7 years). Now, there is nothing in the world... that is more subjective than, comedy. People will be offended, they will laugh, they will cry, they will hate it, they will say it sucked, they will be angry, etc. But the number one rule about comedy is that its subjective.

You dont have to agree with it and if you dont, thats fine by me. It's what I believe in and you're entitled to your own opinion. Not a lot of people can say that. Majority of the human race feels that they have an opinion which you should believe in and if you dont like it or they dont agree with what you're saying; you're a fucking asshole. In Drew's case, he felt the wrath of people that dont have a thinking process like me. They just read and immediately jump the gun without thinking about it.

After reading Drew's follow up "Lakers Fans, Can't We All Just Get Along" and more specifically the comment section, it appears that the same human race that I mentioned in my last paragraph believes that he is continuously adding more fuel to the burning of The Black Mamba and he's "not a real Lakers fan." Now, I tried being as professional as I possibly can in this post, but now I must unleash what I do on stage and on this website...

To all those people commenting and tweeting Drew, insulting him and telling him how ignorant his post was or how he lacks some type of loyalty... Shut, the fuck up. You are sitting behind a keyboard, probably inside of a house that belongs to your mother's boyfriend or whoever is fucking her, or at Starbucks, chastising a person that is doing something not only more artistically but more productive than you will ever be. A productive day for you consists of going to the liquor store for blunt wraps, while walking like you just shit your pants. You're insecure about yourself and you want to feel like you know it all and know everything and you do that by insulting someone that is trying to please you, the audience.

Guess what kids, you dont know shit. You either read and like what you read or you move on. By all means though, there is no problem whatsoever, with disagreeing. But at least have some type of intellect and explain why you disagree and not just attempt to use big words or say things like "yall just a haterz!" Oh but what you're saying, you consider it "constructive criticism?" You wouldn't know the true meaning of constructive criticism if it came out of your asshole. You are reading a blog post, a person that devoted time, effort and emotions into a thousand plus words. It shouldn't come to having the writer explain how long or how loyal they are to a team. Its a fucked up situation to be in and not fair to the writer having to explain everything. You dont go up to Salvador Dali and tell him his painting The Persistence of Memory sucks because the clocks look like floppy balls.

What I'm trying to say folks is that all of this is entertainment. Its a sport. None of us play professionally and all we can do is watch and commentate. Stop taking it all personal and just have fun with it; thats exactly what I do on here. I've personally been criticized for everything on this website; shitty spelling, horrible grammar, and you know what: FUCK'EM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

I dont have to explain why I graduated with a C average or why I took the time to write this and feel the need to express myself. I did it because I'm tired of seeing people do what they love get shit thrown at them by people that dont agree. I did this to stick up for someone that I feel was being bullied by the audience. I deal with hecklers all the time and they're the easiest to retaliate to because they think they know what they're doing, even though they are fucking clueless. Personally, Kobe Bryant is the greatest basketball player that ever lived and he probably sucks at writing. COME AT ME BRO.

LETS GO LAKERS!

Why I Can Hate Lakers Fans, From a Lakers Fan. is a post from:

All these events, in one way or another, shaped the world we live in today. Eight years have passed and the Middle East is still in unrest. The Senator that went off? You can call him President Obama now. As for the Red Sox, they won another title and that same year a tiger escaped it’s enclosure at a zoo in San Francisco and killed a man. The whale exploding didn’t change much, but it happened and it’s so crazy. See for yourself.

   One event occurred that I didn’t mention previously, because still, to this day, I refuse to believe it happened.  Our beloved LA Lakers, after an early postseason exit the year before to the San Antonio Spurs, made some major offseason moves and acquired Karl Malone and Gary Payton to help Shaq and Kobe win another championship. After running over the league with a roster boasting four guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famers, they were manhandled and shockingly embarrassed in the NBA Finals by a rag-tag assemblage of crusty CBA journeymen with no talent, but a whole lot of hustle, heart and giant balls from Detroit.

It was unprecedented. Again, Shaquille O’Neal, Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant and Gary Payton lost to a team that depended on contributions off the bench from Elden Campbell. Yes, Elden Campbell has a ring and Karl Malone does not.  I can’t believe I just typed his name twice. I’m afraid if I do it again he’d show up like Beetlejuice, but instead of causing trouble, he’d just eat the leftovers in the fridge and hit me up for money.

I bring up these painful memories because as we all know, this offseason St. Kupchak and the Lakers again made some huge moves by signing Steve Nash and trading for Dwight Howard to have them join Kobe and Pau here in LA to make another run at the title. Everyone is making comparisons to that ill-fated ’04 team. They say they’ve done this before and it didn’t turn out well. To those people, I got two words for you… suck it. This is different and it’s gonna work this time and here’s why.

Gary Payton isn’t on this team. A former Defensive Player of the Year and the only point guard ever to win the award?! Sounds great, right? Nope. This guy was garbage when he was a Laker. He had an entire season to learn the triangle offense and refused to do so, was a locker room cancer and completely disappeared in the playoffs. In the ’96 Finals, as a member of the Seattle Supersonics, his defense gave Michael Jordan headaches and because of it, Jordan averaged less in that Finals series than in any other. In ’04 his defense made Chauncey Billups the NBA Finals MVP. The Glove? Glove my balls.

Thankfully, Steve Nash is not Gary Payton. He hits his threes and runs an offense better than any other point guard in the league. He’s clutch. He took the Phoenix Suns to the Western Conference Finals twice while picking up two MVP awards surrounded by mannequins. I can’t even imagine what he’ll do with live players. He made Mike “Mustache” D’Antoni look less like the cartoon guy on a box of pizza, and turned him into Coach of the Year. Speaking of pizza, our next topic loves it.

 It was at the request of Shaquille O’Neal, The Diesel, The Big Baryshnikov that the Lakers brought in Malone and Payton. He promised them a title and then came into training camp at the heaviest in his career. I love Shaq. He’s one of my all-time favorite players, but the only title he’d come close to that year was a blue ribbon at a state fair for Prized Pig. He came into training camp that year way out of shape and only got worse.

He ended that year at 355 pounds. That’s bigger than a Giant Panda. Who knows how many pizzas that guy put away? The weight issues coupled with the fact that him and Kobe wouldn’t shut up in the media played a large part in the fate of that team. If only he had as much control of what came out of his mouth as he did what went in it.

Someone who doesn’t have that problem is Dwight Howard. Are you kidding? The guy is a fitness freak. He’s been on the cover of Men’s Health magazine, not the wrapper of a candy bar. Yes, he was in a McDonald’s commercial, but he didn’t have them name a combo after him. Remember the Shaq Pack from Burger King? It was a sourdough bacon cheeseburger, fries and a drink that came with a cup of cheese and a defibrillator to jump start your heart after eating it. As we all know, a cup of cheese is essential to the diet of any professional athlete. Check it out below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXweq5wKOd8

It’s Dwight’s athleticism that makes him stand out over a declining, but still dominant when he wasn’t drinking cheese, Shaq. Howard has won Defensive Player of the Year three times. Shaq ate three defensive players. He hustles all game and you’d never catch him plodding up and down the court with a bad attitude, pouting because he’s not getting his opportunities to miss easy lay-ups and draw offensive fouls on the other end with Sam Bowiesque grace. I’m talking about you, Bynum.

In mentioning Bynum, you have to discuss injuries, which is why Karl Malone kind of gets a pass from me here. The fact that Malone played through a sprained knee for four games in the Finals against Detroit says a lot about his toughness. Something that’s always in question when talking about his current positional counterpart, Pau “Me Duele” Gasol.  I feel had The Mailman stayed healthy, maybe things would be different. He was 40 years old and in his 19^th season. That’s a lot of basketball. Which bring me to the biggest question mark of this bloviated rant, and that’s Kobe.

As Indiana Jones said, “It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.” Even though at the start of next season he’ll only be 34 years old, Kobe is third among active players in minutes played. He’s played 4,000 more minutes than Kevin Willis, who played till he was 74. That’s a lot of basketball. However, he still plays at a high level. I’m gonna piss off a lot of people by saying this, but Kobe will stay consistently effective at his position longer than anyone including Michael Jordan. Remember Kobe’s last game against what used to be Jordan against Washington? He dropped 55 on his head. I don’t see anyone abusing The Mamba like that other than Vanessa.

   Much about how this Lakers season ends up depends on whether or not Kobe can replicate what he did in the London Olympics this past summer.  Defer to his teammates and play without the ball. Can he become more of a sharpshooting threat and fight through screens like Reggie Miller back in the day, or Ray Allen now? He’d be wise too.

Ray Allen not only extended his career a bit, but won a championship in Boston against Kobe and the Lakers in 2008 doing just that. Then the Global Economy collapsed. The answer is yes because he’s Kobe. If the Lakers weren’t hitting 3’s last year, who better to fix it? It’s not like he’ll have three defenders and a prosecution ready to drop the hammer (gavel?) on him like in’04.

Finally, the bench on this team is much better. Antoine Jamison would beat Bryon Russell, Kareem Rush, Brian Cook, Devean George (ugh…) and Slava Medvedenko in a five on one full court game to eleven with no buckets,  giving them three points and using only his left hand.

The Lakers are a legitimate championship contender again and to say I’m excited for this season is an understatement. I was excited leading into the ’03-’04 season, but this is different.

It’s different because hastily bringing in basketball’s equivalent of The Expendables that year was Shaq’s idea, not Lakers management. He thought he was bigger than the team because he weighed more than the other players combined and used that weight to get things done his way. When it didn’t work, he got his fat ass forklifted out of town. St. Kupchack and Jim Buss took their time planning this.

It’s different because what Kobe understands better than Shaq, is that it means something to play for the Los Angeles Lakers. When you play on this team, those who really support you don’t care what name is stitched on the back of your jersey as much as we care about what’s stitched on the front. My friend John owns a Cedric Ceballos jersey. You’ll see Shaq understand it when they retire 34 this year and he starts tearing up when looking at his jersey alongside not just great Lakers players, but some of the greatest to ever play the game.

It’s different because as Lakers fans, we’re spoiled. When you’re spoiled, nothing makes you happy but getting what you want. We want championship number seventeen. All the pieces are there for them to do it.

And it’s different, cuz unlike in 2004, this Lakers team will get it done. See you on Figueroa!

2004 vs 2013: Why History Won’t Repeat Itself (F***You Mark Cuban) is a post from:

It saddens me because what could have been the greatest duo since Kane and Daniel Bryan, will never happen. The action movies, the commercials, the commentators calling the first dish from Kobe to Scal; just will never happen. I know a lot of people think I'm drunk (sobering up as I type) for saying all this but aside from his stint with the Boston Celtics and Chicago Bulls, I can stomach him wearing purple and gold.

Its not like we've never had shitty players anyway? Adam Morrison? Luke Walton? Troy Murphy? Why the hell didn't we try to sign Scalabrine and continue that roll player of high fives and warming Kobe's giant seat cushion? Its just a sad thing to watch it go to waste and not make some fun out of it. Luckily the fine people at the NBA created and released The Ultimate Brian Scalabrine Highlight Video, which contains his biggest, toughest shots that happened to be unguarded because no one dares to challenge The White Mamba!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnXQsJ8ung8

The video makes me wonder and hope if the Unauthorized Brian Cardinal Highlight Video will ever see the light of day.

Black Mamba + White Mamba = The Greatest Duo That Never Happened is a post from:

It was announced last week that Matt Barnes signed a one-year contract for the veteran’s minimum of $1.2 million neck tattoos. Don't get me wrong kids, I love Matt Barnes. When he was on fire, he was on fire! One of the NBA's best defenders, second to everyone's favorite crazy Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest. But he's just not that player that he used to be. He lost that edge, that fire that he had when he would dare try to psych Kobe Bryant out by pretending to throw a ball at his head, only to shit his pants when Kobe didn't flinch. He built himself an image, a persona and even a t-shirt line when he went bonkers against the Dallas Mavericks. I'm sure everyone remembers this gem:

I fucking loved it! It's awesome, the best of both worlds; Matt Barnes and Ron Artest. The real life Bash Brothers! Two men full of crazy that would rob a liquor store, only to go back to that liquor store and buy a bottle of Grey Goose. But since that Matt Barnes is gone, they're gonna have to revamp that t-shirt. In Barnes final season with the Lakers, he averaged 7.8 points and 5.5 rebounds per game. Oh but its his defense that is his strongest asset you say? Well, if thats the case then they're going to have to redesign the t-shirt to make it look like this:

Matt Barnes Signs With Clippers, “Kill You” T-Shirts Recalled is a post from:

That night on May 21st, I watched Game 5 at the ESPN Zone at LA Live. I love watching it there because it makes you feel like your there and feels like its the heart of the Laker community. Its right across the street from Staples Center so it makes sense. When that final buzzer rang and the game was officially over, I remember this guy in a Pierce jersey going to every Laker fan and laughing in their face and boasted because the Celtics were still in the playoffs. People like him, I just turn the other way because its just a waste of time talking to people like him. I might talk a lot of shit about other teams but deep down, I still respect people and I wouldn't do such a thing like rub it in people's faces unless they did it to me first.

So after that final buzzer, I turned and saw the asshole Boston fan and these two girls crying. One of them was crying her eyes out. To the point where I felt the need to put my hand on her shoulder and actually tell her "Hey... I know its not going to make things better by telling ya its just a game but it'll get better. It always does." She smiled and thanked me for trying to keep her head up. I began walking away, straight to the exit with my head down with sadness and trying to practice the same words I just preached to a total stranger. I look straight ahead and there it is, Staples Center. It looked so beautiful just sitting there in the darkness, without anybody there.

I walked across Chick Hearn Way, and stood in front of the Magic Johnson statue. Almost as if I was staring into a crucifix or painting of Jesus and asking "Why?" Why did this have to happen? But then as I looked deeper into Staples Center, it hit me. Losing is necessary in order to win. You must fall from grace because its the only way you can go back up. We didn't need to blow up the team or rebuild, we just needed to reload. We have the technology in Mitch Kupchak and Jerry Buss' desire to follow in his father's footsteps and make him proud.

Today, is August 11th 2012 and its been 2 months and 22 days exactly from that date of me staring into Staples Center, questioning whats in stored for us. Today, I'm glad to say that since then we have acquired 2 time League MVP, 8 time NBA All-Star Steve Nash and 3 time NBA Defensive Player of the Year & 6 time NBA All-Star Dwight Howard. How is that for rebuilding? How many times can the Lakers reload after a disappointing year? I'll tell ya, every time. Thats what we do and thats what we're known for. If we come up short one year, we just put more bullets in the chamber and fire again. Thats what built that arena that I stared into and thats why the LA Lakers are the greatest basketball team that has ever existed. The Los Angeles Lakers are officially reloaded. Better, Stronger Faster. For the first time ever, every NBA team should really be concerned and FEAR LA, especially that asshole wearing that Boston jersey.

We can rebuild them. Better, Stronger, Faster. is a post from:

If you don’t know what the Vezina award is, then you’re not one of the 14 hockey fans in Los Angeles. It’s the award given out at the end of every season to the league’s top goaltender. No King has ever won the award due to the simple fact that no King goaltender has ever been able to not suck for an entire season. This has changed with Jonathan Quick. The dude’s good. He’s damn good, in fact. Whether you’re a stats guy who can’t get enough of his GAA (google it, I’m sick of explaining this shit) or a “feel” guy who jumps out of his seat every time he makes a diving save while doing splits that are usually reserved for gymnasts or seasoned porn stars, you can’t deny that he’s the reason the Kings have made it this far in the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Sure, Kopitar and Carter still shoot with the best of them and Dustin Brown is hitting like a prize fighter but that’s nothing new for LA. The Kings have always had great lines, great defensemen and even great goons. This team never had a great goaltender. Let’s not forget that Los Angeles is currently a team that has scored more shorthanded goals against St. Louis than they have power play goals. Not only is that a statistical anomaly that you would typically find on a youth hockey team, it’s also a testament to how inconsistent this offense can be. Smart money says the 8th seed shouldn’t upset the number one seed, but the Kings did (suck it, Vancouver).

Smart money also says that that same 8th seed shouldn’t be up 2-0 on the number 2 seed (and the team that swept them out of the playoffs twice), but they are. They’re riding on the back of Jonathan Quick and it is high time that the rest of the City of Angels jumps on as well because it is going to be one sweet ride.

This team has something that Gretzky and Robitaille didn’t have. This team has something that Dionne, Taylor, and Simmer didn’t have. Hell, this team has something that no Kings team has had since their inception and that is a Vezina worthy goalie. If he doesn’t win, this city will riot Laker Championship style (though it will probably be limited to the Russian district).

Bottom line is that this team is bringing a respect level to a city that hasn’t seen it since the Gretzky years and it is largely in thanks to Jonathan Quick. This team is showing the rest of the NHL, Canada, the KHL and every other league around that the Lakers are not the only team that can bring a championship to Staples Center (suck it, Clippers).

Let the rest of the hockey world say what they will about fair weather southern California fans, they are now forced to respect us for our homegrown, all American hero who looks like he has not hit puberty yet (seriously, google it).

Why You Should Give A Shit About Hockey is a post from:

So here is a List of Do's and Don'ts of Rioting!

Do: Give everyone you see High Fives!
Don't: Give everyone High Fives at a Women's Shelter...

Do: Drive around the city while honking at other fans that are celebrating as well.
Don't: Drive around the city and get mad at cops because they're not celebrating.

Do: Go to your local bar and have a drink with everyone celebrating
Don't: Go to your local bar and drink everyones drinks while they're celebrating. You'll get the shit kicked out of you.

Do: Go to a shooting range or in the middle of the desert and shoot your guns in victory.
Don't: Go to a golf shooting range and shoot at balls in the name of victory.

Do: Call your friends that rooted for the losing team and make fun of them.
Don't: Tell them where you live.

Do: Celebrate with your in-laws.
Don't: Celebrate with your in laws by trying to fuck your wife's sister.

Do: Park your car as far as you can so that your car will be in a safe distance away from the riot.
Don't: forget to pay your car insurance, just in case.

Do: Wear your World Champion shirt after your team is victorious.
Don't: Wear your World Champion shirt after you make your girlfriend cum.

FOLLOW MARK GONZALES ON TWITTER OR FACEBOOK

The Do’s and Don’ts to Rioting is a post from: