Category Archives: Random

What’s the Official Beer of the Lakers?

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Various horrible companies vie for the title of official beer of the NBA, the L.A. Lakers, the United States…whatever. My intention in this article is to properly analyze the Lakers and Los Angeles to determine the perfect beer to represent the team, it’s fans, and the novocaine necessary to watch them.

The nominees:

1. Budweiser- It’s the official beer of everything. In my entire life I’ve never met a person that has told me Budweiser is their favorite beer. Bud heavy will get you drunk, but so will every other beer on the market. Bud is the McDonald’s of the beer world, but because of its universality it doesn’t seem to define the Lakers, much less anything.

2. Tecate- This feels like a soccer beer. Tecate is Mexican sure, and also cheap, but does that really represent the Lakers? The tickets to the game will kill your wallet, so maybe you need to skimp on the beer, but Tecate is a canned low class beer. Jack Nicholson would never drink Tecate.
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The LLWS is not a good idea

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Imagine a ten-year-old boy with a baseball bat and a pocket full of dreams. Now imagine you’re not a pedophile. ESPN has gone out of their way for years to sell us on the Americana and the “March of the Penguins” heart warmth of the Little League World Series. Let me fully disclose that I’m a bitter hater because as a youth I played for a little league team that was not eligible for the LLWS. Howevah! Is it a good idea (or good TV.) to put fucking preteen shortstops on primetime television slots?

NO. IT’S NOT.

ESPN likes to play up that these kids play for the love of the game, but in reality they are coach’s sons that have been in baseball concentration camps since they were 3. Kids are exploited and burnt out in tennis, golf, and soccer. The addition of baseball dads (read: stage mothers) is nothing new in our celebrity driven society. These kids have been told by the time they’re 5 that they’re gonna play for the Cardinals in the same way Indians are told they’ll run IBM.

Don’t get me wrong I think that kids should play baseball because it’s one of the few times they might have fun before reality kicks them in the dick from the ages 16 to death. But I also think you’re set up for a tragic life if you peak as a human being when you’re 9 years old. For every kid that hits a walk off homerun to win the LLWS, there has to be some kid who gave that homerun up. Today that kid either runs a Wall Street hedge fund, or he killed himself because he never got over that one horrible day. If you don’t believe me, watch “The Replacements” with Keanu.
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Brian Champlin: The Time I Heard Vin Scully Use the F-word

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As we were hanging out at the LakersNation.com booth this past weekend at the Nike 3on3 Basketball Tournament, Brian Champlin from Mantuitive.com told me a story about hearing Vin Scully saying “Fuck” over the air. I loved it so much, I had to repost it here:

It was the summer of 2002. I had just finished college but was still slumming it in Isla Vista while working a day job at a law office in downtown Santa Barbara. We lived across the street from the beach. We still threw keggers on the weekend, still cat called girls from our balcony and still imbibed ridiculous amounts of alcohol not because it was prudent, but because we could. I had my own room. Life was good.

On weekdays I’d often come home ready to cut loose and relax. Sometimes this involved drinking copious amounts of booze, sometimes it meant just sitting back and enjoying a ball game. It was in the latter case where the following scenario played out:

We were watching a Dodger home game. A night game, as I recall. My friend S-man and I were on the lower tier of our house’s stadium seating setup, eating dinner, minding our own business, unaware that fate was about to reach out and shake us. Only the main TV was on.

(Footnote: We had two TV’s so that during programming conflicts between sports and entertainment we could settle disputes. Example: Everyone who we lived with enjoyed Monday Football but some were also some avid fans of Boston Public. Solution? MNF plays on mute while BP plays on in stereo. BP ends just as the final 2 minutes of MNF are finishing so it kind of worked out. Oh, to live in a world before TiVo)
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Basketball Movies That Suck: Celtic Pride

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So Netflix has been fucking with me for the past 6 months because somehow Celtic Pride ended up in my instant queue. I don’t remembering adding it, so I must have hated myself while drunk when I did it. If you don’t remember the movie, I’ll refresh your memory for you.

Its a shitty movie written by Colin Quinn & Judd Apatow about 2 Boston Celtic fans (Daniel Stern & Dan Akroyd) kidnapping a basketball player (Damon Waynes) from the Utah Jazz during an NBA Finals. If you remember now, you remember hearing about it but never watched it because it didn’t even break even at the box office.

I’m sure it smashed box office records at the Boston Cinema but around the country nobody gave a shit. Why did I watch it? Know thy enemy, thats why. I shit purple & piss gold and I would love to know how the enemy really is and let me tell you, my hatred grew a lot more for the Celtics and their fans after watching this. I was able to find a short montage of the movie on youtube that pretty much sums it all up.
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